I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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