I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
