She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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