oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
