she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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