I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
