Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
