Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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