It's Friday. Sex?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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