My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
