why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize