Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize