Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
