at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I checked into jail on foursquare
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
