they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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