Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
