On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize