Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
