Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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