watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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