My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
