Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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