You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
