The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize