glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
