Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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