You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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