You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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