By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
