Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
