you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
