The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
