My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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