there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
