Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We had to coat check the pizza.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
