Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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