he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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