I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
