You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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