Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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