She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
