do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
