I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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