I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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