imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
