I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
