Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
