All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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