I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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