Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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