The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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