Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize