My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
