I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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