Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
