the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
