I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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