im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
