i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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