I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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