i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
