you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
