You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
