she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
