I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
